2011 delivered so many changes, so quickly, that it was hard to catch my breath.  The new year started with an error in judgement on my husband’s part.  We rode the roller coaster of Jake quitting and gaining a new job, to find that the same old monsters hid underneath the shiny exterior.  My parents world drastically changed, leaving the rest of us, my sisters and I especially, trying to navigate through the rocky terrain.

But it is unfair to judge 2011 so harshly, to focus on the negative without highlighting the brilliant light that was always there, shining through the cracks.  Moments of happiness peaked through every day.  Last year delivered more happiness than I can account for, now that I try to recall: Lily’s sweet “I love you, Mama” and watching her boldly step into her own kindergarten self; Vivienne’s intense gaze and small hand stroking my cheek; weighty goals accomplished; secrets shared between friends over a cup of coffee, a martini, a lunch; insanely fun adventures traveling to new places; connecting with a family who “got” us, with love and acceptance, from the very beginning; joy in first birthdays; new opportunities to grow our careers; promises vowed and love renewed.

2011 threw some curveballs and piled on the complication.  But happiness was always there.  Happiness IS always there.

Sometimes it is hard to know where you left it, and where to look.  Sometimes you forget that there is always someone there waiting, wanting to hold you when the light is just too hard to find.  Sometimes you don’t realize your world creates itself through the choices you make, and even when you are utterly stuck, a path can always be uncovered.

A new year marks a new beginning like a breath of fresh air.  I breathe in the hope, the humor, the love, and wrap my arms around 2012.

My husband is an incredibly fabulous man.

Case Study #1:

Jake has been an Executive Chef for the last five years.  His drive, passion and commitment lend itself well to the culinary industry, and he seemed to thrive on the 50-80 hour weeks.  He recently took a position as a Sous Chef and now works a *gasp* 40-hour work week.  So what has happened to those other 40 hours he often worked in his job before?  He grasps at any opportunity to be creative with cooking, which often leads to fabulous results.

Our friends held a jello shot party tonight.  These were their rules: “Don’t buy a package of jello at the store for a few bucks and throw some booze in there.  This is going to be a hard core jello shot party, with prizes!  Prizes will be awarded for 1. fanciest, 2. most unique, 3, most delicious!” This is what has consumed Jake for the last week (We are SO going to win all of those prizes.  Do you like how I say “we” like I had anything to do with this?).

Jake’s Jello Shots

#1. Pancake and Bacon; buttermilk pancake base, bacon infused vodka and maple “jello,” cooked bacon

#2. Dirty Martini; vodka, vermouth and olive juice “jello,” cocktail olive

#3. S’more Shot; (nonalcoholic) graham cracker “shot glass,” chocolate panna cotta, homemade marshmallow fluff, toasted

#4. Bloody Mary; jalapeno garlic infused vodka, tomato juice, hot sauce, bloody Mary seasonings, celery, gerkins, black sea salt

#5. Rum & Coke; coca cola, rum “jello,” mandarin orange vodka “jello” (for the ice cubes)

Cheers to fabulousness!

30 Things I Did Before Turning 30

1. Graduated with two undergrad degrees in four years
2. Traveled to Italy, Germany, England, Finland, Denmark, Holland, France
3. Honeymooned in Ireland
4. Bought our first house
5. Quit smoking (8 years ago)
6. Went skinny dipping in the ocean on the coast of Spain
7. Birthed a beautiful baby girl
8. Birthed another beautiful baby girl (at home)
9. Kept decade-old friendships alive and made a 30th birthday celebration girl-trip to Portland happen
10. Had a couple blurbs published in Mamalode
11. Watched the movie “Clueless” so many times I have the entire script memorized
12. Beat my goal of losing 30 pounds in 30 weeks by losing it in 15 weeks (a loss that now hovers between 36-40 pounds, depending on the day)
13. Started writing for fun again and joined the throngs of “mom-bloggers,” teaching myself how to use wordpress in the process
14. Married my perfect match
15. Played “Kate” in “Taming of the Shrew” (among many other roles)
16. Dabbled in oboe & piano
17. Taught violin lessons
18. Became an Auntie
19. Wept with joy as my three closest friends married their loves
20. Got my motorcycle license
21. Attended my 10-year high school reunion
22. Discovered makeup (finally, at age 29)
23. Learned the ins and outs of QuickBooks and Excel (and loved every minute)
24. Joined a book club and continue to delight in fresh reads and new perspectives
25. Figured out forgiveness is the key to letting go of resentment
26. Had every color of hair
27. Secured a job that let me spread my wings
28. Taught three freshman-level college classes
29. Visited my familial roots in Belize and Sweden
30. Rocked the song “Manic Monday” countless times during karaoke nights

30 Things I Will Do Before Turning 60

1. Travel to Napa and eat at French Laundry
2. Hire a housekeeper…or figure out that secret to controlling clutter
3. Make my kid’s birthday celebrations unforgettable
4. Use my fabulous fabric and sew, sew, sew
5. Say “thank you” everyday, appreciate the little things and be grateful for all aspects of my life
6. Have a second honeymoon in Ireland
7. Maintain healthy, mindful eating habits
8. Sing everyday and play my violin more
9. Go to NYC for fashion week
10. Publish a novel/book
11. Continuing working to keep my marriage successful and happy and celebrate many more anniversaries
12. Rent an RV and travel around the USA
13. Support my daughters’ dreams, be it college, or travel, or wherever the journey takes them
14. Buy a pair of designer heels
15. Own a restaurant/cafe/food truck/b & b/something food related with Jake
16. Buy a house to grow old in
17. Interview my grandmothers about their experiences being moms
18. Cherish and love my children everyday
19. Take a dance/ballet class
20. Organize photos into albums
21. Save money for retirement
22. Raise my tiny girls to be incredible adults
23. Run/walk the half marathon with L. & M.
24. Volunteer somewhere as a family
25. Visit Australia
26. Become a grandma (?!? Crazy to think about!)
27. Use our set of china dishes more
28. Create new art
29. Be in a local production of the Rocky Horror Picture Show
30. Continue being open to learning, growing, living through the next few decades

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We dance a lot at home, and listen to music that usually falls into the categories of punk, classical or kid’s. Vivienne’s favorite is The Ramones. Now, when we try to play anything else, she angrily shouts, “Mones! Mones!”

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“Don’t touch me!” Lily, sick with a cold and a 102 degree fever, screamed at Vivienne this morning, “Get out of my way!”  “Lily,” I said, “Please stop using a rude voice. I know you don’t feel good, but doesn’t mean you can be rude to your sister.”  “I can’t help it!” she screeched, “My throat just won’t keep it in!”

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At Zuma’s (my mother-in-law) house, Lily choreographed a dance routine, complete with classical music, a quilt to dance on, a basket with Easter eggs and dimmed lights. During the show, my mother-in-law was in charge of holding up the make-shift spotlight (aka: flashlight). About half way through, Lily says, “The light has to follow the performer, Zuma!”

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I ran upstairs to put away some laundry and found Lily and Vivienne downstairs wiping all available surfaces with wet wipes from the box they pried open. “We’re cleaning, Mama!” Lily exclaimed proudly.

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Recently I’ve been saying good-night to Vivienne’s body parts at bedtime, which she finds very amusing. After putting her in her crib last night, I said, “Night-night Vivienne! Night-night ears! Night-night tummy! Night-night legs! I love you.”

And after I walked out and left the door slightly ajar, I heard her repeating, “Night-night legs! Night-night butt! Night-night butt!” Giggles ensue.

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On a rainy, dreary day, Lily says on the way to preschool, “Today is an ominous day for a picnic.”

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We’ve been on a Roald Dahl kick in our household. Lily was especially enthralled with The BFG. The first chapter is entitled The Witching Hour: that moment in the night when everything is still and everyone is asleep, a time when all the dark things come out and have the world to themselves. When we are driving home in the dark, Lily watches out the window and if ten seconds pass without another car going by, she announces, “Mama, it is the witching hour. We are the only car out and I think everyone is asleep. Watch out for giants.”

In my pre-kid life, I was very artsy and crafty. In my present day reality, my artsy and crafty self can most often be found stored in-between the heaps of supplies begging to be used. I now find that in most situations, it is worth the money to save the time and energy spent on making something. But every time this happens, my brain reminds me, “You could make that, ya know. Remember your sewing machine? Remember your glitter scrapbook paper? They miss you.”

For some reason I trick myself into thinking that any arts and crafts project can be done with my daughters. (Possibly this stems from my neurotic issues of needing to multi-task at all times?) Take last year’s Valentines: card stock flowers with a sucker stem. After running to multiple stores, multiple times because somehow I either don’t buy enough supplies or the right thing, and spending an embarrassing amount of money, I realize that my 3 year old can’t cut precise 3 inch circles out of card stock or spread a thin line of glue with the burning hot glue gun.

So she ends up sitting at the table with me, asking every minute if NOW is when she can stick the sucker through the little hole in the petals. And eventually Lily gets bored with watching me and goes off to play while I finish my “this will be so easy and cute” project.

You would think that this experience would alter my future thinking. But last week the preschool memo came home: “We will be celebrating Valentine’s Day with the children. Please bring a box for them to put cards in. If you chose to bring cards for the other kids, here is a list of names. NOTE: BRINGING CARDS IS COMPLETELY OPTIONAL.”

“Okay!” I think, “Must make Valentine’s Day cards. Must hand-make them for all 32 kids and teachers. Must make something more impressive than last year. Totally NOT optional (are they kidding with that or what?).”

Project Valentine 2011: Hersey’s Kiss Gnomes. (This will be so easy and cute!) And again, Lily sits at the table, watching me cut circles of out felt. She tries unsuccessfully to cut circles out of her piece of felt, gets frustrated and decides to play outside with her friends instead. I cut, glue, assemble.

I found my artsy and crafty self grinning as I placed each little hat onto each little kiss, and realized that this is exactly how I would want to spend an hour on a rainy Saturday afternoon, even though Lily can’t help me with every step just yet.

And when she came back to the table and glued on most of those googly eyes with me, exclaiming “Look at this one, Mama! It has four different colored eyes!” it was like icing on the cake.