More than Sharing Genes

Posted on April 16, 2010 by anyavasquez

Dedicated to C & M: without you, I wouldn’t have learned how to boss people around so efficiently.

Anyone who has siblings understands that being related to someone doesn’t automatically make you best friends. I know some people who have nothing in common with their own flesh and blood; the mere fact that they share a parent becomes the only reason they even exist in each others lives. An old roommate of mine had 11 older brothers and sisters – some of whom she hadn’t talked to in years and didn’t even invite to her wedding. But in theory, a relationship with a sibling should be fairly easy to maintain. Siblings share an intricate, complex and often complicated history of funny childhood memories, family secrets and inside jokes. When I’m with either of my own sisters around “outsiders,” we know it’s time to rejoin the crowd when our friends get that glazed over, “I have no idea what you are talking about, but it must have been funny because you guys are acting crazy” look on their faces.

Before I had children, I always wished that I would have daughters. I couldn’t quite imagine a little boy in my life. After growing up with sisters and a stay-at-home mom, I didn’t think I’d know how to deal with a house full of testosterone. But the want for girls was more than gender specific. The underlying hope of having little girls was the dream of birthing sisters.

My own sisters are both incredible, fascinating, intelligent and beautiful women. Eight years and three different lifestyles equate to being completely different on many levels. However, this also means that each of us have so much to bring to the table. We do not remain close simply because we are sisters, rather, we put the necessary energy and love into maintaining our friendships. At this point in our adult lives, it is something more than pure genetics that keeps us connected – it is choice.

I can’t imagine my life without my sisters; without having someone who simply gets it without having to explain; without having the kind of relationship where you can immediately jump back into each others lives without keeping in touch day by day; without knowing there is another person out there who knows the depths of your soul and loves you unconditionally.

One of the best things about being a mom to a set of sisters is watching them interact. At four and one years old, their interactions often end in Lily screaming, “Mama she pulled my hair! Mama she scratched me! Mama she’s bothering me!” But there are times (usually when they think I’m not watching) when they do actually play together. These moments make my heart melt. I can only imagine that as they both grow, there will of course be silly squabbles and intentional cutting of barbie hair, but also plenty of opportunities for games and dolls and cooking projects and books and swings.

And in the end, this is my dream for Lily and Vivienne. I wish that they will remain as close to each other as I have with my own sisters. I hope that in the future, they go beyond sharing the same gene pool – to sharing jeans – to choosing to be influential and awe-inspiring role models in each others lives.

Posted in Parenting, Siblings | 4 Comments

The Family Bed

Posted on April 9, 2010 by anyavasquez

We made the switch after Lily was born. The double bed had been doable when it was just the two of us; slightly uncomfortable while I was pregnant; totally irrational once a baby joined us every night. Ah, the wonders of the king size bed! Worth every penny, our bed has become a snuggling sanctuary and comfy home for all family members; at night – a place to read and relax, by the light of day – the perfect trampoline and place to play “cave.”

Lily spent her first month or so in a co-sleeper next to our bed (actually, it is more accurate to report that she spent the majority of her time in someone’s arms, reaping the benefits of being the first baby and grandchild on both sides). She didn’t sleep very well, or very long, in her co-sleeper, but I figured these were normal newborn sleeping habits. One night I fell asleep reading a book with Lily nestled in the crook of my arm – and we woke up 6 hours later. I thought we were on to something, and from that point on, we made co-sleeping a nightly ritual.

Nighttime was an easy and natural way to squeeze in some extra time to connect with my daughter, especially since I was away from her during the day. Feedings were a breeze because our sleeping patterns were in tune to the point where I would wake up, then she would wake up and nurse, and we’d both fall back asleep. I loved the time to hug and hold her in the stillness and silence of the night – such a contrast to the busy whirlwind of our days. Co-sleeping worked wonders for us (the first time around, anyway) and I loved every minute of it. Lily is four now, and usually spends at least half, if not all, of the night in her own bed. I often awake to find a little body snuggled next to me in the early hours of the morning, and I cherish these moments.

When I started publicizing my beliefs about the family bed, I was met with very mixed reactions, the most common being: “Once you let them in, you’ll never get them out!” The way I see it, these early years fly by – and I’ve never heard of a high schooler wanting to sleep in their parent’s bed. Lily will be 8, 13, 15 soon enough and will probably hate me, wanting nothing less than to be with her mom.

The simple answer of why I love the family bed? I want to take full advantage of these sweet moments while I still can.

Posted in Parenting, Sleep | 2 Comments

Breathe a Little, Push a Little: The One Year Journey

Posted on April 2, 2010 by anyavasquez

“I’ve done it once before, accidentally almost at home. Figured I would do it at home this time on purpose!” I remember saying something to this effect to anyone who asked me why I was planning to have a home birth with my second daughter. These particular people always asked this question with a concerned, “wow, didn’t realize she was crazy” kind of look on their faces.

My experience with birth the first go around was simply amazing and breathtaking. When I was pregnant the second time, I felt incredibly more prepared and confident about what to expect during the process of labor and delivery. Choosing to have a home birth was an easy decision fully supported by my husband (who was born at home too!).

Thursday, April 2, 2009 is crystal clear in my memory. I had just put Lily down for a nap and was laying on the couch watching America’s Next Top Model when my water broke.  It suddenly hit me a couple of  hours later – I was going to have this baby today! I was excited and nervous, of course, but also felt strong, healthy and ready. What unfolded next was again, amazing and breathtaking. Everyone present at her birth filled the room with encouragement and strength and love that carried me through labor.

Breathe a little, push a little; this is how my midwife coached me through the final stages of pushing. Looking back, I realize this mantra rings also true to surviving the past year. Lying in bed that first night after Vivienne was born, I felt lucky and blessed for all the things in my life. I was grateful to be surrounded by an immense amount of love and for being a mom to two perfect little girls. While I most certainly still feel this way today, I also think it is appropriate to celebrate my family’s journey in the past year right alongside with the birth of my beautiful daughter.

When things were rough, when we were oh-so-exhausted, when the tears just wouldn’t stop, it was hard to gain perspective about our situation. Stepping back and breathing a little in order to push through whatever we were experiencing helped. I definitely underestimated the adjustment that going from one to two would be, but then again, you can’t really understand what it will be like until you are living it. The past year has been filled with sleeplessness, joy, resentment, laughter, anger, understanding, mis-communication and lots of love. Hours turned into days, then weeks and months, and somehow, we have graduated to the one year milestone.

Today, I say Happy Birthday to all of us – I wouldn’t trade my life for the world.

Posted in Birth, Identity, Marriage, Sleep | 2 Comments

The New Guilt

Posted on March 27, 2010 by anyavasquez

Last week, another one of my co-workers gave her notice. She recently had a baby and wants to be a full-time stay at home mom for the foreseeable future. In the wide circle of women I am acquainted with, this is becoming more and more of a common occurrence. Having the ability and support to follow your heart and spend the precious first years relishing in motherhood is such a gift. This is not an option for a lot of moms out there, no matter where their heartstrings are pulling them.

I am also in awe and wonder of the women who make this decision, because I decided to follow a different path. After Lily was born, we were attached at the hip (or really, boob, to be literally honest). Her first six months were spent going on long walks with other new moms, attending Le Leche League meetings, running errands, catching up with friends on their lunch breaks, attending to her every need and learning how to be a mom day by day. Thinking back to this time, I remember wondering how moms who worked outside the home ever got anything accomplished – there just didn’t seem to be enough time in any given day and I didn’t even have a job to go to!

When I started working again, Lily came with me for the next couple months until she was much more mobile and I finally admitted that our arrangement wasn’t working anymore. I had a breakdown at work the first week I was away from her and started trying to figure out how I could make money while being able to stay at home with her. But the routine became a little easier every day that I got up, dropped her off and went to work, and the pull to stay at home slowly melted away.

After much internal debate, I made the conscious decision to not stay at home. For me, work is an oasis of sorts. Being surrounded by intelligent women (who are also moms, for the most part), being challenged in creative ways and having the opportunity to make my ideas a reality are the reasons I keep going back. Work gives me a sense of direction and motivation to continue to learn in different ways than being at home did. My job fulfills me in a way that being at home with my kids does not.

For these reasons, a different kind of guilt has been seeping into my life recently. I am experiencing the opposite of the “working mom guilt” that so many moms talk about. Does it make me a bad mom to not want to be with my children 24/7? Am I missing the specific “mommy” strain of DNA that all these other women seem to naturally fall into? Or perhaps this guilt is being driven by societal factors telling me what I “should” be doing, now that I am a mom. But no matter where the root of this guilt begins, the end result remains the same. My decision is right for me, and because of that, it is right for my kids. The elusive notion of “having it all” has somehow become my reality, and realizing this combats any lingering doubts.

Posted in Identity, Work | 5 Comments

Four

Posted on March 19, 2010 by anyavasquez

Four years ago, on this day, at 3:04pm, Lily burst into this world, wide-eyed and full of life. On this day, at that exact moment, someone else was also born. I realize that the physical act of giving birth does not necessarily make someone a mother. But for me, this moment in time marked the beginning of a new life. In one instant I was no longer the me I had always known. I was something more. Holding this tiny baby of mine infused my life with meaning beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

I have spent the last four years getting to know my new self. During Lily’s birth, I experienced the depths and hidden crevices of my own strength and power. During the days (and weeks and months) of sleepless nights, I discovered persistence and willpower that I hadn’t known existed inside of me. During tantrums and cuddles and milestones and bedtimes, my heart expanded to accommodate the intensity of my love.

After Lily was born, I felt like the missing piece in my life, which I just hadn’t realized was missing before, had been found. Four years has flown by in one sense, but when I think about the ways that my life has completely and utterly changed, this period of time feels monumental. Motherhood is now fully integrated into my identity. I have become the person I always wanted to be because of my children. I owe them my life, my love, my everything.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~ Rajneesh

Posted in Birth, Identity | 2 Comments