I had felt love before and thought I understood its depths. Love for my family, my friends, my husband, my shoes; all of these are technically “love,” but in slightly different variations. I experienced a kind of love I never knew existed the moment Lily was born. During my pregnancy, I loved this tiny being inside of me, anticipated her birth, imagined and dreamed about meeting her. But I never could have prepared for this overwhelming love. Holding her for the first time, I realized that I was cradling a physical manifestation of my heart and soul. This kind of love is incredible, unexplainable, inexplicable.
Her birth also made me realize another truth. Until that moment, I had never fully grasped how much my own mom loves me. I am my mom’s heart and soul; someone she dreamed about, hoped and prayed for, someone who made her experience a kind of love she had never fathomed.
This awareness floors me. We were both 25 years old when our first daughters were born. We both had dreams of our own, men we had chosen to marry, and the desire to grow a family. The parallels are somewhat boggling and put an interesting perspective on our relationship.
To my own mom, I feel the need to say thank you for giving me the world even though I demanded every minute of your time, every strand of your energy and every ounce of your patience.
I want to say I’m sorry for the not-so-smart decisions I made growing up and for the regrettable things I put you through.
But more than anything, I want to say I love you. As a mother myself, I have been given the gift of experiencing this kind of love, and finally comprehend what this actually means. I love you!
beautiful Anya. I really wish i had a child so i could send this to my mother, i think if i did, she would think i was pregnant though!!! still, i loved it, very sweet.
Dearest daughter, when you were born, you became literally my whole world. The only time we were ever apart were the few hours I spent playing in the Cedar Rapids Symphony (starting a month after you were born). I taught my students with you in my arms (usually nursing). The few times your dad was conscious when he was home (that’s what med school does to you) our big outing was to the grocery store. I couldn’t believe this perfect little miracle actually came from me.
As you got older, it was just more & more fun. I couldn’t imagine sharing you with another child until one day we rather impulsively decided, “it’s time”. When C was born, our relationship was abruptly changed, but you handled it wonderfully. Having 2 girls was so much fun! Then it became 3. You were such a great big sister, but you were also always my #1 baby. I had the worst time letting go when you were in HS, but looking back, would it have been better if we had allowed you the increased freedom you desired? Or would you just have gotten into more trouble? At least we were well prepared for the next 2!
When Lily was born, it was like having you all over again (minus the 20+ hrs of back labor). She was so identical to you, it really messed with my brain sometimes. I couldn’t stop looking at her & holding her. It took me right back 25 years, what fun! She is the delight of my heart. I have to try very hard not to interfere with parental decisions & remind myself she is your child & not mine, even though she seems like a mini-you. What a precious gift you & Jacob have given to the world. And Vivi! My little blondie. It’s been so fun to watch her grow & communicate so well. Aren’t we the luckiest grandparents ever. Thank you for such blessings.
I’m telling ya…you need to write a book =) I love reading your blogs! You are such a good writer! And thats a compliment cause u know me…i hate reading hehe! but i love reading your stories! I love you