Dedicated to the five fabulous pregnant ladies in my life.

You will answer two questions repeatedly throughout your whole pregnancy: “Is it a boy or a girl?” and “Have you picked a name?” I started telling people we were naming the baby “Nabisco” or “Satan” just to see their reaction.

These same people will later ask “When are you due?” and then say “WHAT?!? But you are HUGE! You can’t possibly have 3 more months to go! Maybe you’re having twins!” Feel free to give these people the finger.

Having a whole month between prenatal appointments is too long! Who can you turn to besides Google to answer those daily pregnancy dilemmas? I believe in being educated, but there is a thin line between seeking information and finding a problem for every little ache or twinge. And put down the “what to expect” books – those basically just outline everything that can go wrong.

Even if you were trying to get pregnant, you’ll still probably have a “S*#*! There’s no turning back now!” reaction after you pee on that stick.

If a stranger tries to rub your belly, do the same to theirs. They’ll back off quickly, giving you that “yikes…crazy pregnant lady” look.

The first time you hear that heartbeat, you’ll cry. But you still probably won’t be able to wrap your mind around the fact that there is another human inside of you.

Being pregnant give you the automatic status of designated driver.

Just say “thanks, I’ll try that” when anyone gives you their perfect remedy for morning sickness (“Eat ½ a graham cracker followed by ½ a can of flat 7-Up and a strawberry Twizzlers before you get out of bed”) and roll your eyes when they’re not looking.

Don’t feel bad if you can’t really see the blob, I mean baby, in those first few ultrasounds.

Unless you really like wearing those cheesy shirts that say “baby on board,” make your own. My favorites said “No, I’m not pregnant, I’m just fat.” and “You touch my belly, you die.”

Don’t give a second thought to going to bed at 7:30pm AND taking a nap during the day. It takes a lot of energy to grow a person!

Babies are conceived knowing how to do yoga positions, which they practice daily in your uterus.

No, you don’t have to play stupid games, or eat pink or blue foods, or ooo and aaaah over tiny onsies at your shower if you don’t want to. Don’t let your mom or mother-in-law convince you otherwise.

If this isn’t your first pregnancy (or even if it is!), consider having a spa or poker themed shower, a BBQ, taking a ceramics class, going to the movies or doing whatever floats your fancy. Do you really need more tiny socks or bibs?

In the last couple of months, you’ll be convinced that the baby will never be born and you will live in hellish, hot uncomfortableness for eternity.

If you can afford it and fit it inside your house, get a king sized bed.

In the last trimester, finding any piece of clothing not resembling a sweat suit is an impossible feat.

Those midnight trips to the grocery store to get nacho cheese to dip candy bars in, sour patch kids, macaroni salad and rocky road ice cream? Totally worth every bite.

That lovely problem of peeing a little if you cough or laugh too hard? Yeah, doesn’t go away after the baby is born.

Massages have never felt better.

Take a class on what to do after the baby is born – pregnancy is somewhat like wedding planning. You focus so much on the present that when the actual day comes, it can be somewhat of a shock.

After the baby is born, you will wonder how it ever fit inside of you.

It is called “labor” for a reason – but the second you hold that baby in your arms, you’ll realize it was all worth it.